Posted in Lessons by The Books Production Team on February 11, 2009

typewriter4          Editor’s Note: One of the unique little quirks about the way my brain works is that I tend to have an almost compulsive need to remember inconsequential details and lists.  As such, I am particularly prone to lock into my memory phrases that expressly dictate something in the format of “Remember the…”

          For example, because my junior high History textbooks told me I should “remember the Alamo” and “remember the Maine”…I do – in strange ways and at bizarre times.  Likewise, because that crazy guy in the Guy Fawkes mask in the movie V for Vendetta asked us to “remember, remember the Fifth of November”…I do – and every November Fifth I contemplate blowing up the Houses of Parliament (note to MI-6: That’s a joke!).  Finally, because there’s a somewhat obscure call in the background of the chorus after the first verse of 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” to “Remember February Eleventh”…I do – although I don’t have a clue why Curtis Jackson (that’s what his elementary school teachers called him) wants us to remember this date.  Is it his mother’s birthday?  The day his best friend got shot?  The day Get Rich or Die Trying was released in movie theaters?  I’ve got no idea.  Nevertheless, today, we’ll “remember February Eleventh” in the following fashion, because 50 Cent wants us to:

50-cent-20070329-233029           Early in October, in the comments section of Lesson #19, Matt ruminated on what the anti-list of lessons would look like.  That is, what if, instead of eating an organic apple on that first day of class, I would have been eating one of those mythic Halloween apples that an old witch had put a razor blade in?  Well, of course, I would have been a little pissed at the world, and would have blogged in a completely different style.  Below, Matt has extended his imaginary list of lessons from the alternate-universe blog, which he affectionately calls “How to Suck at Life,” through the current Lesson (#53) for your viewing pleasure.  I have to admit, just reading some of these titles against the ideas expressed in the original posts makes me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile (or, on occasion, laugh out loud) as well.  Also, as an added bonus, I’ve embedded some of the anti-post-titles with links to things that I think are related and/or funny/sad.  Mostly, I did this because I was afraid that if I didn’t, Fifty would call me a “Wanksta.” 



          – compiled by Third Bass

Lesson #1: Buy Organic Apples

          Anti-Lesson #1: Beef – It’s What’s Rotting Your Colon (or, Did You Want Fries with That?)

Lesson #2: Start Taking Chinese Now

          Anti-Lesson #2: Ebonics, Because Standard English is so 19th Century

Lesson #3: Think Bronze Medal

          Anti-Lesson #3: Mediocrity – When Spectatorship Becomes an Olympic Sport

Lesson #4: Recycle

tosserfo71          Anti-Lesson #4: Litter (or British Women, while Often Attractive, Have Bad Teeth)

Lesson #5: Crazy Roommates = Great Stories

          Anti-Lesson #5: Crazy Roommates in Your Fifth Floor Walk-Up (or, Rent Control Was So Not Worth It)

Lesson #6: Ask About Extra Credit

          Anti-Lesson #6: Ask About Extra Credit

Lesson #7: Bridge the Parental Divide

          Anti-Lesson #7: Book Your Appearance on The Jerry Springer Show Early

Lesson #8: Sports Gambling Is Dangerous

           Anti-Lesson #8: How to Lose Like a Winner at the Track, by Charles Bukowski

Lesson #9: Watch Dead Man on Campus

           Anti-Lesson #9: Watch CSI Miami – YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Lesson #10: Ditch Your Desktop

           Anti-Lesson #10: Learning to Type is for Girls

Lesson #11: Embrace Diversity (or, The Old, Old Wooden Ship)

           Anti-Lesson #11: Make Sure the Cotton Used in your KKK Robe was Picked by “Authentic Negroes”

Lesson #12: Credit Cards

          Anti-Lesson #12: Paying Off Mastercard with Visa (or, Extending Your Credit Indefinitely)

Lesson #13: Stop Wearing Cologne to Class

bling          Anti-Lesson #13: Gold Chains, T-Tops, and Old Spice – A Few of My Favorite Things

Lesson #14: Procrastination

          Anti-Lesson #14: Doing Absolutely Nothing At All (and Doing It and Doing It Well)

Lesson #15: Go On Dates

         Anti-Lesson #15: Making a Scene with a Magazine (or, Joe 6-Pack and a Dial-Up Modem)

Lesson #16: Consider Phlebas

         Anti-Lesson #16: Huh?

Lesson #17: Reconsider Math and Science

         Anti-Lesson #17: All the Cool Kids Major in Phys-Ed

Lesson #18: Box Wine Isn’t Real

         Anti-Lesson #18: If Box-Wine Isn’t Real, What’s All this Stuff in My Refrigerator?

Lesson #19: Vote

barak-obama         Anti-Lesson #19: One Vote Doesn’t Make a Difference (or, Will It Really Matter if Barack Shoots this Guy?)

Lesson #20: How to Write an “A” Paper

         Anti-Lesson #20: The Best Place to Download an “A” Paper on the Cheap

Lesson #21: Your 21st Birthday

         Anti-Lesson #21: Your 21st Birthday – Leave the Kids in the Car while You’re at the Nudie Bar

Lesson #22: One Tree Hill (or, The Beautiful People)

         Anti-Lesson #22: Have You Ever Seen an Ugly Actress? (or, You’re Not an Actress)

Lesson #23: Coin-Operated Laundry

         Anti-Lesson #23: Dry Cleaning: Because it Harms the Environment and Costs more than New Shirts

Lesson #24: Kids with BMWs

          Anti-Lesson #24: Kids with BMWs (Are Sleeping with Your Girlfriend)

Lesson #25: Awesome Halloween Costumes

         Anti-Lesson #25: How to Get Roofied at a Halloween Party

Lesson #26: Write In Your Textbooks

          Anti-Lesson #26: Announce Your Ignorance to the World, One Highlighted Sentence at a Time

Lesson #27: To Rush, or Not To Rush

         Anti-Lesson #27: Why You Should Pay for Friends

Lesson #28: Borrow Less Money

funny_drunk_prank        Anti-Lesson #28: Take Out Massive Student Loans to Support Your Drinking Habit (or, The Guy on the Left’s Game Plan)

Lesson #29: Step Outside the University Box

         Anti-Lesson #29: Trigger-Happy Crack-Heads and Drunken Townies – Your Misunderstood Neighbors

Lesson #30: Subscribe to the Economist

          Anti-Lesson #30: Subscribe to the Weekly World News

Lesson #31: Your High School Sweetheart

          Anti-Lesson #31: Your One-Night Stand and the Miracle that is Penicillin

Lesson #32: Keeping the Faith

          Anti-Lesson #32: Everybody needs to Believe in Something (I Believe I’ll Have another Beer)

Lesson #33: Television vs. The Good Earth

          Anti-Lesson #33: Check Out Romany Malco’s Rap-Group Performing “Victim of the Ghetto”

Lesson #34: Visit the Gymnasium

          Anti-Lesson #34: How to Inconspicuously Stare at Hot People While They Work Out

Lesson #35: Cheaters Never Prosper

          Anti-Lesson #35: How to Cheat on Your Significant Other and Get Away With It

Lesson #36: Become a Philanthropist

         Anti-Lesson #36: Become a Father Against Mothers Against Drunk Driving

Lesson #37: Become a Philatelist

          Anti-Lesson #37: Become a Philatelist

Lesson #38: The World Needs Electricians

          Anti-Lesson #38: The World Needs Guidance Counselors who Counsel Against Becoming an Electrician

Lesson #39: Cocaine = Not the Best Idea

pete-doherty          Anti-Lesson #39: Heroin – I Guess a Little Experimentation Never Hurt Anyone (or, Be Like Pete Doherty)

Lesson #40: Engage in At Least One Massive (Harmless) Prank

          Anti-Lesson #40: Engage in At Least One Massive Prank

Lesson #41: Meet Mavis Beacon

          Anti-Lesson #41: Purchase Voice Recognition Software

Lesson #42: Use Your Camera

          Anti-Lesson #42: Record Concerts on Your Camera Phone in 30-Second Increments

Lesson #43: Exams Made Easy

          Anti-Lesson #43: Pulling Consecutive All-Nighters (or, D = Diploma)

Lesson #44: You Know Who Doesn’t Suck? Designated Dave

          Anti-Lesson #44: Aspire to Be the Best Drunk Driver on Campus (or, Practice Makes Perfect)

Lesson #45: Travel In Packs

          Anti-Lesson #45: Why the “It’ll Never Happen to Me” Mentality Makes So Much Sense

Lesson #46: Don’t Be Afraid of Counseling Services

          Anti-Lesson #46: Bottling Your Emotions for Later

Lesson #47: Road Trip

          Anti-Lesson #47: Watch the Travel Channel – It’s Safer and Cheaper than Getting Out There

Lesson #48: How to Get Into a Closed Class

the_secret_rhonda_byrne_unabridged_compact_discs          Anti-Lesson #48: The Secret: How Positive Thinking will Get You Whatever You Want (by Rhonda Byrne)

Lesson #49: Them Smokers Will Test Ya

          Anti-Lesson #49: If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em

Lesson #50: Find the Nook

          Anti-Lesson #50: Find the Bar that Doesn’t Card and Cryptically Refer to It as “The Nook”

Lesson #51: The Entrepreneurial Skill Set (Little Boxes)

           Anti-Lesson #51: Set Your Goals High (or, Mediocrity!)

Lesson #52: Guitar vs. Guitar Hero

           Anti-Lesson #52: Digital Rock Bands Never Break Up

Lesson #53: Taking a Year Off

           Anti-Lesson #53: Taking a Decade Off Will Make You a Better Procrastinator 


4 Responses

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  1. Greece Lightning said, on February 12, 2009 at 12:22 am

    The “endless Caruso one-liners” link is fan-fucking-tastic!!!

  2. UVA Mike said, on February 12, 2009 at 12:57 am

    My guess is that 50 Cent is referring to the February 11, 1945 signing of the Yalta Accord by Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin. If you listen to the B-Side of “21 Questions”, its clear that he has a deep appreciation of World History, and is attempting to warn the Western World Order of falling into another Cold War with the Chinese.

  3. Brian Redfield said, on February 12, 2009 at 1:59 am

    Dr. Wizard,

    Is there any way you can work in a link here for a Michael Jackson video? And what about something from Sports Pickle?

  4. drwizard said, on February 12, 2009 at 2:16 am

    Brian – a good idea – so consider it done and done. (Check out the links to 11 and 8 respectively). Also, I think this sets a good precedent. So, to the rest of you out there, if you like, feel free to suggest more comments for anti-lesson links…

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