Posted in Lessons by The Books Production Team on December 1, 2008


typewriter4          All right!!!  Here we are – back from the break – and the Wiz is back with a mother-trucking vengeance!  Today, I’m going to go on the record – and I’d like you all to serve as my witnesses – so, like Van Wilder says, write this down.  Here’s my testimony: If some random Crazy out there (like Charlie Krupe – see Lesson #5) ever designs a breed of artificial intelligence that overtakes humanity, but needs our brains for energy, in a world-situation much like that inhabited by Morpheus and Neo, my vote is that we ask the machines to construct a Matrix that places us all inside the world of Saved by the Bell.  Think about it – there’s enough conflict to keep our lives interesting, there’s always a nice tidying up of all plot details with a funny resolution every thirty minutes, and we could stage elaborate judo fights inside The Max diner that disprove the laws of physics, all while wearing the totally dope clothes of the early 1990s.  In addition to being totally awesome, this world would have a couple of very tangible benefits that our own does not possess:

#1) Bike shorts.

#2) We could eliminate the Jonas Brothers.  As Lesson #12 makes all too clear – I don’t understand this phenomenon one bit, and it’s not like I haven’t given it the old college-try.  You see, just like any other self-respecting, football-loving alumnus of Eastern Illinois University, I have a strong case of Tony Romo Fever.  As such, after ingesting enough tryptophan to sedate a small horse on Thanksgiving, I happily plopped myself down on the couch to watch the Dallas Cowboys destroy the Seattle Seahawks – which went completely according to plan.  Yet once my partial paralysis was more fully realized, I found myself unable to even change the channel with a remote control – which was not part of the plan – and was thus sentenced to the fate of watching the Jonas Brothers perform their schlocky Disney Rock at halftime.  For the duration of the fifteen minute performance, I found myself contemplating just what exactly it is that people like about these kids, and at the same time muttering that Zack Attack! would have been so much better.  But if the world were more like Saved by the Bell, we wouldn’t have to consider this strange phenomenon.  Zack Attack! would be the marquis act at every Super Bowl Halftime Show, and Kelly Kapowski would be up there in the press box with Jessica Simpson, falling ever more deeply in love – although I guess I’m cool with this year’s selection of The Boss to highlight America’s greatest holiday.

#3) The number of massive (harmless) pranks would increase exponentially.  You see, every third episode on Saved by the Bell, the crew at Bayside High School was either stealing some other high school’s mascot, or the rival high school was kidnapping Screech Powers and holding him for a hilarious ransom prize – insisting that Mr. Belding shave his head, or some other such nonsense.  My question is this: why don’t these types of things happen more often in real life?

          Look, college is about knowledge – that’s for certain (otherwise the two words wouldn’t rhyme) – but it’s also about having a lot of awesome stories to tell your grandkids someday.  This is why we swallow live goldfish (see Lesson #1) and take road trips (see the forthcoming Lesson #47), and it’s also why you should engage in more massive (harmless) pranks as college students.  Now, I’m not saying that you should create a computer virus and send it to all of your classmates, spray-paint a building, blow up a major campus landmark, or forge government documents – those things aren’t harmless – but here’s a list of questions for you to consider:

          Do you know…How many people it takes to move a parked car?  How quickly a dorm room’s furniture can be moved outside?  How many of your university’s buildings have easy roof access?  How to dye a fountain with food coloring?  How much it costs to bribe a campus radio station DJ to let you on the air for five minutes?  How many people it takes to play “The Final Countdown” at the university bell tower?  How much costume-shops discount their merchandise during the non-Halloween season?  How many Barack Obama yard signs it takes to fill the front lawn of the Campus Republican headquarters?  How to hang a sheet offering some sort of hilarious picture or message over a very visible billboard?  How to photo-shop your university president’s head onto Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body?  Or how to make a funny crop circle?  If your answer to every one of these questions is NO, then you aren’t living the full collegiate experience – because I guarantee you that between Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano, Kelly Kapowski, Zack Morris, A.C. Slater, Screech Powers, and Mr. Belding, every one of these questions can be answered by at least one member of the group.  So, today’s lesson is simple: Engage in at Least One Massive (Harmless) Prank – your life will be all the richer for doing so.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to try to figure out how to get my car off of the roof of the Student Union Building.

          Note: We can only assume that Screech has recently constructed a robot in his bedroom in order to infiltrate rival Valley High’s football team.  If all goes according to plan, he’ll be such an awesome defensive back that no one will ever realize he’s a robot…until it’s too late.  Then Zack Morris will reveal Screech’s clever prank to Valley’s cheerleaders, who, because they secretly wish they went to Bayside where they could listen to Zack Attack! perform at the Prom, notify the game officials causing a forfeit.  It’s a catastrophe for Valley High, and an even greater catastrophe for the cheerleaders – when they find out that Zack must turn them down because he has already agreed to go to Prom with Jessie Spano in order to make Kelly Kapowski jealous.  But, the situation is peacefully resolved when all the Valley cheerleaders decide to go instead with A.C. Slater, who buys six corsages and a gallon of whey protein on his way to the dance.  Screech takes the robot.

9 Responses

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  1. Meghan Jansen said, on December 2, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    Back with a mother-trucking vengeance? Dr. Wizard = Lincoln Hawk.

  2. UVA Mike said, on December 2, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    Oh…life is full of interesting coincidences. Check out this video of Tony Romo singing karaoke with Mr. Belding at a Metal Skool show in Los Angeles. Don’t Stop Believing!

  3. Karen said, on December 2, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    OMG! He sings worse than his girlfriend Jessica. That’s spectacularly bad!

  4. Laura said, on December 2, 2008 at 8:58 pm

    I’m going to be honest, what I took most from this is that living in forever the early 1990s sounds kinda awesome. Seriously. Think about it. You could just listen to A Tribe Called Quest all day wearing bike shorts with a different color on each leg and massive door knocker earrings. What more could anyone want from life? It’d be the da bomb.

  5. drwizard said, on December 2, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    Ah Laura, I see that you have uncovered the post’s secret hidden agenda. Not only do I long for more college pranks, but also the comeback of the Hypercolor T-shirt.

  6. Carlin said, on December 2, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    I’m very sad we had a 90’s themed post with no reference to the Nike Pump. That’s just blasphemous.

  7. Greece Lightning said, on December 2, 2008 at 9:53 pm

    Carlin: The Pump was made by Reebok, not Nike…but you still make an excellent point. And speaking of long lost articles of clothing from the 90s, does anybody remember Zuba pants???

  8. Jonesin' For a Collegiate Fix said, on December 2, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    Good old Zubaz…they went the way of the slap bracelet and tight-rolled jeans.

  9. Carlin said, on December 2, 2008 at 11:40 pm

    Oh damn… I went back and forth between Reebok/Nike, but was not motivated enough to Wiki it.

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