JOE WEBB AND CO. – THE WRITTEN WORLD

LESSON #1: BUY ORGANIC APPLES

Posted in Lessons by The Books Production Team on August 29, 2008

LESSON #1: BUY ORGANIC APPLES

typewriter3        As a college student, particularly if you plan on being a college student of the drinking variety, you will put some strange and disgusting things in your body during the next four years.  During one six-week stretch of my junior year, I went to three separate parties where a significant highlight of the night was swallowing a live goldfish.  Obviously, it takes a few cocktails to eat a creature that could potentially serve as a small child’s pet, and this was in fact the case.  But this is not abnormal – there will be goldfish swallowed all across America this weekend.  Goldfish, however, may not be the most unusual food or drink you will find yourself eating while in college.  My roommate Barry once drank a pint of his own urine to keep from paying a bar tab.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

            This is the aggregate result of all these strange bets, along with the late-night Doritos, random body parts, and social cigarettes that find their way to your mouth: you must counteract your drunken stupidity with a healthy diet.  At some point, as hard as it may be to believe right now, you will most likely pass out of the undergraduate phase of your life (just as surely as you passed out while you were in the undergraduate phase of your life).  At this time, you will find yourself with a strong desire to live a long, healthy life so that you might someday see your grandchildren go through their own goldfish-laden college drinking parties.  This means minimizing your intake of carcinogens now, and it starts with the organic apple.

            Have you ever seen the toxicology report on an apple that has been traditionally sprayed with fertilizer and pesticide, the kind for sale at most local supermarkets and sitting in that bowl in your cafeteria?  It’s like the fruits and vegetables version of The Jungle.  If you want an easy way to take care of your long-term health, do yourself a favor, and find a Trader Joe’s.

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7 Responses

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  1. Mac in Tosh said, on August 31, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    Turning tricks with conventionally grown apples is like fooling around with a prostitute that you know has the clap…C’MON!

    I wanna fuck an apple (organic of course)
    I think it feels real good
    I like to invade orchards
    Sporting real big wood
    Cause nothing gets me quite as stiff
    As when I’m railin’ a Granny Smith
    I can’t resist the fruity slosh
    When I’m nailin’ a Macintosh!

    I wanna fuck an apple
    From a tree in my backyard
    When I think of Golden Delicious
    My stem gets real hard
    Some may say it’s degradation
    I love apple copulation
    Call my fetish what you must
    I can’t stop my apple-lust

    I wanna fuck an apple
    I don’t care what you say
    I can’t stop the urge I get
    Every single day
    Apples are the greatest treat
    They’re all my worm will ever eat
    I don’t wanna be stuck in a chapel
    I just wanna fuck an apple!

  2. drwizard said, on September 1, 2008 at 1:47 am

    Lesson #1-a, to be expounded upon more fully in lesson #56: DON’T LET PEOPLE STEER YOU AWAY FROM YOUR RAP CAREER IF YOU HAVE TALENT…

    Many of you, at some point in time, will think you have the potential to be the next Eminem or Kanye West. Take, for example, this poster – the cleverly named Mac In Tosh. At first, the coarseness of a poem about reproducing with produce may seem a bit over-the-top. But on second glance, notice the attention to meter and the attention to detail – do you see how this burgeoning Lil Wayne pulls in multiple elements from the post? There’s talent here. Still, one of the advantages of college is you have a ready-made group of 10,000 peers upon which to practice your craft, and the only way you get to retain this peer group is by going to class. Go to class, keep writing, book some local shows, and keep working on your skills in the friendly confines of academia. For your specific sake “Mac In Tosh”, let’s hope the college you attend has an agricultural school with a large orchard. My advice, for the time being, is don’t give up your dream, but don’t quit your day job.

  3. Barry H said, on September 10, 2008 at 10:16 pm

    Are you ever going to forget that I did that?

  4. drwizard said, on September 10, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    No.

  5. JC said, on September 12, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    Because the feaces used as organic fertilizers are so much better for you than chemical fertilizers.

  6. Adam said, on January 30, 2009 at 12:27 am

    Actually, Mac In Tosh is a plagiarist.

    That “poem” is actually a song called “I Wanna Fuck An Apple” by a Cleveland punk band, the Squirts.

    I helped pen it.

    -Adam L.

  7. Mac In Tosh said, on January 30, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Actually, Mac In Tosh was part of that Cleveland punk band, and also had a hand in writting the song “I Wanna Fuck An Apple.” But I suppose, since we’re no longer hiding behind pen names on this site (Mat w/ one t, Adam, Matt w/ one ear, and The Bob) were all responsible for writing various parts of the song/arrangement.


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